I spy something.....

I'm a little near sighted.  Actually a lot near sighted.  If I don't wear my glasses everything is blurry.  I can make out shapes and assume what it is  I think I am seeing.  I have had this condition all my life and it makes for some interesting situations at times.  Take last night for instance.


I went to take a quick shower to cool off after my 2 mile walk.  During the soapy lathering phase, I glanced down and noticed a big black dot at the bottom of my shower curtain.  Dear God!  I was in the shower with a cockroach! 

Fear struck my heart!  I froze.  Any sudden move could cause the roach to attack me, so I ever so slowly scooched over to the far side of the tub (which was about 6 inches.  not much space between me and a killer roach).  

Trying not to panic I tried to rationalize what it was.  Could it be the magnets that were on the bottom of the curtain?  Perhaps the curtain had just flipped over on itself and that dot was just one of the magnets.   I double checked the curtain (from a far) looking for the magnets that are on both ends of the curtain.  Nope, those were still there.  This was a new dot.  This was a roach.  A roach that was seeing me butt neckked (That's how we say naked in Texan by the way).

A cold sweat breaks out across my forehead.  Good thing I'm in the shower.  Trying not to panic, I think of my options.

1) Stand in the shower all night and hope it crawls out of the shower.  (I couldn't last that long in a stand off with a roach).

2) Man up and just kill the monster (that's too gross; I'm not a man; I would probably end up having to buy a new bathtub because roach guts would be smeared on it and beside I didn't have anything to throw at it).

3) Make a leap out of the tub, hopfully passing the roach without him pouncing on me. (This is the option I chose).

So there I stood in the middle of the bathroom, butt neckked looking like a teletubbie covered in bubbles. I heard laughing.  Looking over my shoulder I see it was one of my killer roach assassins at the door way watching me;  Bailor, the killer kitteth. 

I got mad and told him he was slacking on his job, allowing a vile creature into my inner most sanctum.  He mumbled something about having foster kittens in his house for nearly three months and sauntered off. I guess he hasn't gotten over that yet.  What Ever!

Regrouping, I marched myself into the kitchen flinging soap suds all along the way.  I grabbed a broom and returned to the bathroom to see what I should do next. 

I put on my glasses. 

Using the broom handle, I carfully peeled back the shower curtain.  I made sure to stand close enough to the doorway should I need to flee for safety. 

Looking inside I could see that the killer attack roach was actually a third magnet on the shower curtain.  In the last six months since I have had that curtain I never knew there were three magnets to hold it in its place.

Disaster averted...sort of.

Exercise dilemma

Trying to catch up on my reading, I came across an article that talked about what you can do to burn off 1,000 calories worth of chocolate (put me within a 10 miles radius of plain M&M's and it can happen). 

You can:

Go bowling for 5 hours - That's fine but what about all the cheese nachos and beer I consume?

Walk for 3 hours - Send me to a shopping mall. I wonder what they have in the food court?

Wash dishes for 7 hours - Not a problem as long as my dishwasher holds out.  7 hours straight might wear it out.

Climb stairs for 2 - Nope.  Heard a nasty story once about walking up stairs so I couldn't do it.  It had to do with boogers on the hand rail. 

Do aerobics for 2 -  I get winded just reaching for the remote. I wonder if I can watch a video for two hours?  

I will be glad when January is over and they stop talking about all the New Year's delusions resolutions tips and start telling us which chocolate is best for Valentine's Day! 

I hate Roaches

Nasty Ass Tree Roach

Yesterday I had an interview and while waiting for my appointment I noticed a roach in the lobby crawling its way along the wall...towards me.

I hate roaches.  I hate them so much that after I kill them I won’t pick them up.  I have actually called my mom to come over to my house and pick them up for me.  I don’t do that any more. Now I use a vacuum cleaner to suck up their nasty, dead carcasses.  Emptying the container is another ordeal but I manage.

In the past when I killed roaches I use to use one can of Raid for one roach.  You just need to make sure they are dead. I mean, if they can survive a nuclear bomb explosion then you just need to be sure, that's all I'm saying. 

I don't use Raid anymore because I have two kitteths now. 

I don't want to exterminate them in the process. Anyway, the kittehs like playing with these nasty ass things until they are dead, which is fine by me.  I have my own roach assassins.  Purrfect.  Except for the times when they leave the carcass on my bed.  I actually had to throw out two blankets that were on my bed because they left their "gift" right there.  I'm breaking out in a cold sweat just thinking about it now.

I don't use shoes to squish them either because then I would have to throw out the shoes.  Why would anyone want to walk around with roach guts smeared on the bottom of their shoes. That's just disgusting.

Someone once told me my fear was irrational and that they can’t kill me.  Well duh! Yes they can!  I could have a heart attack from the fear of just seeing them or I might try to run away, slip and conk my head on the floor and slip silently into a coma (probably with a roach crawling all over me while waiting for someone to discover my body).  Irrational my ass!

Tiny Nasty German Roach

These things are nasty and ugly and scary looking. The thing is these are tree roaches, not the tiny roaches that live in your house cause your dirty.  They come in side your house during the hottest time in summer cause they discovered we have air conditioning.  They also come inside during the coldest part of the year because we have heat.  I could dump a bunch of toxic chemicals around and inside the house to keep them out but again its my kitteths i worry about.

But I digress.  So I was waiting for my interview and see this roach crawling towards me.  Trying not to panic and cause a scene I get up and go to the restroom.  After a few minutes have passed and thinking the roach has made its way out of its trajectory of heading towards me, I return to the lobby.  Just as I am walking in, the man I am to interview with is in the lobby. Seeing the roach, he steps on it and immediately afterwards wants to shake my hand.  For the next hour I am sitting in a interview with a man that has roach guts on the bottom of his shoe and that's the only thing I can think about.

I hate roaches. 

 

Mm' Mm' Good

I love split pea soup.  

I also love serving it at Halloween parties and telling everyone its booger stew.

Can you hear me pee now?

I like cell phones.  I own one.  I actually have owned many over the years because I wanted the latest and prettiest, or I needed a new one because I broke one dropping it or worse…I lost one (OK really its been two and its too painful to talk about).  Cell phones have their uses.  Talking to people is the main reason that comes to mind but honestly, do we have to talk to folks while we are on the can?

I was in this office building the other day and needed to stop by the loo.  Walking in I heard a voice coming from one of the stalls.  A woman was having a conversation with a friend (I at least hope it was her BFF) while she was making a poop and pee.  I could hear a stream of water hitting the toilet and loud explosions of gases escaping from her body while she shared the latest gossip. I find that to be totally disgusting.  I don’t want to talk to someone while I'm doing my business and I certainly don’t want to talk to someone while they are doing theirs.  Who wants to hear that?  Just because we can take cell phones anywhere does that mean we really have to?